A bitter pill to swallow

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I’ve been thinking about the phrase “time heals all wounds” and what a half truth it is. Bare with me, as I’m in a very awkward adult age where I am old enough to know a few things but not old enough to be truly wise as our friends who have lived through many more years… but am I seeing a lot of people who are just straight up, no getting around it, bitter deep in their hearts. Their wounds never healed and they seem to have intensified over time.Why is that?

Why is it that some people experience hardships and walk away from it wiser and more whole and others wallow in it and decide to wear it as an identity? I have heard people say totally different words to describe the same situation. “I’m a _______ victim” or “I’m a ________ survivor”. Whatever it is for them. Those are two totally different mindsets and different people. Why? How can two people live through the same tragedy and one be a victim and the other be a survivor?

One way that I experienced this positively in my life is when I miscarried our first precious baby, whom I named “Jordan” in my heart. The loss of that child was so monumental to me. It was more than losing a baby, which is terrible enough, it was losing a dream. Matt and I had been married for 3 years and had never used birth control and that was my first pregnancy. I didn’t think I could ever get pregnant. When it finally happened we were overwhelmed by joy. I did not worry for a moment. I just knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that nothing wrong would happen to us, that the baby would be healthy and perfect, and then… it wasn’t. I didn’t know if that was my only shot of ever being a mother or not.

It took me some time but I resolved to be grateful. Grateful that I was made a mother, if only briefly. Grateful that I got to know the incredible wonder of having a child in my womb. Most of all, grateful that I had a beautiful community that absolutely crushed me with support and held up my hands for me when I was too weak and weary to do it on my own.

I really think that is where bitterness can not get a hold of you. When you actively choose to be healed. I did not want to let people pray for me or come and see me or to even pray because all of those things made me feel very vulnerable and that was the last thing I wanted to feel. I wanted to feel in control. I wanted to not feel. But I made a choice opposite to what I felt, and that has made a huge difference in my life.

What about you? Is there hurt in your heart that you are afraid to share? Please share it now before it turns into bitterness, which is as deadly as any poison. Are you bitter? Cynical? Disenchanted? You can be whole again. You can feel wonder and beauty again. It begins with being honest with yourself and others about the condition of you heart. I’m available to share that with you, I know others are. If you aren’t a part of a healthy community (i.e. others who won’t have pity for you but have compassion and love you enough to want you to be healed) than find someone who is and join it. If you live in Charlotte, I can recommend one. You are worth the time it will take, I promise.

 

Here is something I wrote on the day that we lost our first baby to miscarriage:

The one thing that I always hate when I hear “He gives and takes away” is that the focus is on the fact that He takes. those are the last words that you hear, the ones that resonate; and we forget about the gift. God gave me a child. He let me nurture and keep this child for 9 weeks. Losing my baby has been so difficult but it doesn’t change the fact that God gave him to me. I am so sad and so lonely for the picture I held of my future, but I am also hopeful for what God has for me and Matt now. I have been through every emotion that there is today, but through it all, Matt and I have trusted God for our future. Whether or not our future has babies in it is for God to decide in His timing… as for me, I love Him more. I want Him more. and I will serve Him and be grateful for what he gives no matter what may come.

Search me and know me, God, I am Yours. Unto You be all glory and power forever and ever. Amen.

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3 responses »

  1. Meghan, you are amazing. I remember reading that post when you lost the baby. I remember thinking how beautiful it was that you were focusing on the good. I’ve never lost a baby physically, but I have said goodbye to children that I loved. I could be bitter about it. Everyone in our training class has adopted a child, or will be soon. Except us. I dwell in the good. Our children haven’t gone back to their ‘parents’ they are safe in loving homes, which is so rare in the foster system. Thank you for this post as a reminder again, as we prepare to say goodbye to our sweet M. I need to focus once again that he’s going to a loving home where they would rather die than allow him to be harmed!

  2. Love this post. I’ve always been fascinated how people react to the same situation. I won’t lie. Sometimes I do wallow in the poooooooooor me or negative Nancy place for a while. I am thankful that I do have people in my life that will call me on it and help me move to a more positive place. Not holding on to anything right now!

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